Bible Pointers on Marriage
A nine-lesson guide for The Well Shrewsbury
All scripture quotations are from the New King James Version (NKJV) unless otherwise indicated.
Please begin by answering this question honestly in your own words.
Think of the last time you were in a disagreement with someone you care about. What was it "about" on the surface — and what do you think it was actually about underneath?
James 4:1
"Where do wars and fights come from among you? Do they not come from your desires for pleasure that war in your members?"
James does not ask "who started it?" He asks "what is inside you that makes you respond that way?" That is the question this lesson is built around.
The central idea of this lesson
Conflict in marriage is almost never really about what it appears to be about. It is rooted in self-centredness. The person who learns to die to self in the moment of disagreement holds the key to a marriage without chronic strife — not because conflict disappears but because their response to it changes.
Most couples who experience conflict treat it as normal — an inevitable byproduct of two different people sharing a life. The source material for this lesson challenges that assumption directly. Strife is not normal in the sense of being acceptable or inevitable. It is normal in the sense that it is common — but so is sickness, and we do not treat sickness as something to simply live with.
James 3:16 gives the biblical diagnosis:
James 3:16
"For where envy and self-seeking exist, confusion and every evil thing are there."
This is one of the most comprehensive statements in the New Testament. Where strife is, every evil thing follows. Not some evil things. Every evil thing. The source material lists what that means in practice: sickness, poverty, depression, loneliness, spiritual stagnation. These things are not caused by strife in a simple one-to-one way, but strife opens a door through which they enter. A marriage bathed in chronic strife is not just emotionally painful — it is spiritually exposed.
The practical implication is important: you should treat strife in your marriage the way you would treat a dangerous animal that had entered your home. You would not live with it. You would not normalise it. You would do whatever it took to remove it. The source material uses the image of a king cobra — most people would not tolerate a king cobra in their house for a single day, yet they tolerate levels of strife in their marriage for years, thinking it is normal.
Note
Strife does not only look like shouting, slamming doors or dramatic confrontation. The source material is explicit: strife appears in sulking, prolonged silence, self-pity, passive withdrawal and persistent emotional distance. A person who never raises their voice but consistently retreats into sullen silence when they do not get their way is operating in strife. The test is not the volume or the drama; it is whether self-centredness is driving the response. If it is, strife is present — regardless of how quietly it is expressed.
Proverbs 13:10 gives the clearest statement in Scripture about the root cause of conflict:
Proverbs 13:10
"By pride comes nothing but strife, but with the well-advised is wisdom."
The word is "only." Not "pride is one of the causes of strife" or "pride is a major contributing factor." Only by pride comes strife. That is a radical claim, and the source material unpacks it carefully. Pride here does not mean thinking you are better than someone else. In its deepest sense, pride is self-centredness — placing yourself at the centre of everything, filtering all events and responses through the question of how they affect you and what you are owed.
When you are self-centred, other people's actions will always upset you — because those actions will frequently fail to match what your self-centredness expects. Your spouse will say something that does not give you the recognition you wanted. They will make a decision that does not prioritise your preferences. They will be having a bad day when you needed them to be supportive. If self is at the centre, every one of those moments is a wound. If self has been displaced by love — which seeks the welfare of the other rather than the satisfaction of self — none of those moments is a wound in the same way. They are simply the normal texture of shared life with an imperfect person.
Going Deeper
The source material uses the image of a corpse to illustrate what it means to be dead to self. If you laid a corpse on the floor, you could insult it, kick it, ignore it or praise it — and it would not respond. It is beyond being offended. That is the picture Scripture paints of the believer who has genuinely died to self. Jesus, being crucified, was able to say "Father, forgive them, for they do not know what they do" because He was not living for Himself. He was not self-centred, so there was nothing in Him that the cruelty of others could grab hold of to produce bitterness or retaliation. The same principle applies — imperfectly, progressively — in marriage. A person who is genuinely growing in love for their spouse will find that things which once triggered large responses produce smaller and smaller reactions, not because they are suppressing themselves but because the self that was being defended is being displaced by something larger.
None of this means that disagreement disappears in a healthy marriage. Two people will always see things differently, have different preferences and reach different conclusions. The goal is not a marriage without disagreement; it is a marriage in which disagreement does not produce strife. The difference is the internal posture each partner brings to the moment of difference.
Start with yourself, not your spouse. The source material quotes the experience of a woman in a severely troubled marriage who prayed: "God, don't worry about him — what about me?" When she began to ask what was in her that was producing her responses, rather than focusing on what her husband was doing, the dynamic of the marriage began to shift. Your marriage is not dependent on what your spouse does. It is dependent on what you do. Your response is always your choice, regardless of what prompted it.
Recognise what strife opens the door to. This is not about fear management. It is about understanding the stakes. Chronic strife in a marriage is not just unpleasant; it is an open door through which the enemy operates. James 3:16 says where strife is, every evil thing follows. Taking disagreements seriously — working through them rather than letting them accumulate — is a form of spiritual vigilance, not just good communication technique.
Forgiveness is not optional. When disagreement has caused real harm — words spoken that should not have been, trust broken, wounds inflicted — forgiveness is the only pathway back to genuine unity. The source material, drawing on Matthew 18, is clear: unforgiveness creates bondage in the person who will not forgive, not primarily in the person who is not forgiven. Choosing to forgive is not excusing what happened. It is refusing to allow the past harm to be the thing that defines and controls the relationship going forward.
Matthew 18:21–22
"Then Peter came to Him and said, 'Lord, how often shall my brother sin against me, and I forgive him? Up to seven times?' Jesus said to him, 'I do not say to you, up to seven times, but up to seventy times seven.'"
Caution
This lesson should not be used to suggest that one partner should simply absorb the other's harmful behaviour without limit, or that disagreeing well means always yielding. There is a real difference between dying to self — choosing not to defend your ego — and accepting abuse or serious wrong without honest engagement. A person can be completely free from self-centredness in spirit and still name clearly what is happening in a relationship, still set appropriate limits and still seek outside help when a relationship is harmful. Dying to self is an inner posture; it does not require you to have no voice or no legitimate needs. If you are experiencing behaviour in your relationship that feels dangerous or harmful, please speak with your church leaders or a trusted pastoral figure.
Practical Tip
This week, when you notice yourself responding with irritation, withdrawal or defensiveness in any relationship — not only your marriage — pause before acting on that response and ask one question: what is in me right now that is making me respond this way? Not "what did they do?" — you already know that. But what self-centred expectation or need is being frustrated right now? That question, honestly answered, will show you more about your internal life than most other tools available. And dealing honestly with what you find there is where the work of disagreeing well actually begins.
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| Question | My Answer | Group Discussion Notes |
|---|---|---|
| Read James 4:1. James says wars and fights come from desires that war within us. That locates the problem inside, not outside. How does that challenge the way conflict is usually analysed — where we tend to focus on what the other person did? | ||
| Read James 3:16. The lesson says strife opens the door to every evil thing — not just some. That is a strong claim. Do you find it credible? What have you observed in marriages or relationships that either supports or challenges it? | ||
| Read Proverbs 13:10. The lesson says pride — in the sense of self-centredness — is the only source of strife. Think of a recent conflict you have been in. If you trace it back honestly, where was the self-centredness in your response? | ||
| The Note box says strife is not only loud conflict — it also includes sulking, silent withdrawal, self-pity and emotional distance. Which of these forms of strife do you find most difficult to recognise in yourself? Why? | ||
| Read Matthew 18:21-22. Jesus says forgive seventy times seven — meaning endlessly. The lesson says unforgiveness creates bondage primarily in the person who will not forgive. Do you find that true in your own experience? What does choosing to forgive actually require of you? |
Open questions for any level of experience. No right or wrong answers.
Disagreeing well is not a skill you develop in a moment of conflict. It is built through the habits and choices you make in ordinary, non-conflict moments. These applications work in that direction.
| Context | How I Apply This |
|---|---|
| In your inner life | This week, identify one pattern of self-centredness that tends to produce conflict in your closest relationships. Not a general pattern — a specific one. Is it an expectation that is not being met? A need for recognition or control? A refusal to be in the wrong? Name it specifically, bring it to God honestly and ask Him to displace it with something better. The source material is clear: your response is always your choice, regardless of what prompted it. That freedom begins with identifying what is in you. |
| In a current conflict | If there is an unresolved disagreement or accumulated distance in your marriage or a significant relationship right now, ask yourself one question before acting on it: is there unforgiveness here that I have not dealt with? Not excusing what happened, but choosing not to allow it to control the relationship going forward. If there is, bring it to God in prayer this week. You do not have to feel like forgiving to choose it. The choice precedes and produces the feeling. |
| In your community | The principles in this lesson apply far beyond marriage — to friendships, work relationships, church community and family. This week, practise the question "what is in me right now?" in any moment of irritation, frustration or withdrawal in any relationship. You do not need to announce it. Just ask it honestly, internally, before you respond. Over time, that question — honestly answered — reshapes how you engage with people across every area of your life. |
Tap each card to reveal the answer.
Where does James say wars and fights come from?
James 4:1
"Where do wars and fights come from among you? Do they not come from your desires for pleasure that war in your members?"
James 4:1. From inside, not from circumstances or the other person. The source of conflict is internal, not external.
What does James 3:16 say follows where strife exists?
James 3:16
"For where envy and self-seeking exist, confusion and every evil thing are there."
James 3:16. Every evil thing — not some. Strife opens a door through which sickness, depression, spiritual stagnation and more can enter. It is not a minor issue.
What does Proverbs 13:10 say is the only source of strife?
Proverbs 13:10
"By pride comes nothing but strife, but with the well-advised is wisdom."
Proverbs 13:10. Pride — meaning self-centredness — is the only source of strife. Not circumstances, not the other person's behaviour: self-centredness in your own response.
What forms does strife take beyond loud conflict?
Sulking, prolonged silence, self-pity, passive withdrawal, emotional distance, persistent coldness. The test is not the volume or the drama — it is whether self-centredness is driving the response. Quiet strife is still strife.
What does Jesus say about how many times to forgive?
Matthew 18:22
"I do not say to you, up to seven times, but up to seventy times seven."
Matthew 18:22. Endlessly. Unforgiveness creates bondage primarily in the person who refuses to forgive. Forgiveness is not excusing what happened; it is refusing to let past harm control the relationship going forward.
What is the key question to ask in the moment of conflict?
"What is in me right now that is making me respond this way?" Not "what did they do?" but what self-centred expectation or need is being frustrated. That question — honestly answered — is where the work of disagreeing well begins.