Bible Pointers on Marriage
A nine-lesson guide for The Well Shrewsbury
All scripture quotations are from the New King James Version (NKJV) unless otherwise indicated.
Please begin by answering this question honestly in your own words.
When you hear the words "husband's role" and "wife's role" in marriage, what is your first reaction — curiosity, resistance, relief, confusion or something else? Where do you think that reaction comes from?
Ephesians 5:25, 33
"Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself for her… Nevertheless let each one of you in particular so love his own wife as himself, and let the wife see that she respects her husband."
Paul gives each partner one primary command. For the husband: love as Christ loved. For the wife: respect. Both are more demanding than they first appear.
The central idea of this lesson
God assigned roles in marriage not to limit either partner but to give the marriage a structure that enables it to function as He designed. The husband's call is sacrificial love; the wife's call is respect and willing partnership. Neither is possible without God at the centre — and neither is about hierarchy of worth.
Confidence Declaration
The question of roles in marriage — specifically headship and submission — is one of the most genuinely contested areas in Christian theology. Sincere, biblically grounded Christians hold different views. Complementarians believe Scripture assigns distinct, ordered roles to husbands and wives that are permanent and structural. Egalitarians believe Scripture's instructions were culturally contextual and that the gospel erases hierarchical distinctions in marriage (Galatians 3:28). Both positions are held by people who take the Bible seriously. This lesson teaches from the complementarian reading of Ephesians 5, which is the historic position of most of the church. It does so with full acknowledgement that the other position is held with integrity by many. Wherever you are on this question, the call to sacrificial love and genuine respect is not disputed by either position — and it is where this lesson focuses. For a fuller exploration of both views, speak with your church leaders.
Ephesians 5 is the primary New Testament passage on roles in marriage — but it is almost always read starting at verse 22, where wives are addressed. That is a mistake. Paul's instruction on the husband-wife relationship begins at verse 21:
Ephesians 5:21
"…submitting to one another in the fear of God."
This is not a throwaway transition line. It is the governing principle for everything that follows. The whole passage — both the husband's role and the wife's role — flows from mutual submission in the fear of God. A husband who reads verse 25 without reading verse 21 has missed the foundation. The source material for this lesson makes this explicit: God's ideal is that both husband and wife, as Spirit-filled believers, submit themselves to each other — and that the ruling principle for both is the Word of God, not one person's will over the other's.
Note
Marriage, the source material behind this lesson states, is not a 50-50 relationship. It is a 100%-100% relationship. Each partner gives entirely of themselves. The husband gives himself totally to his wife, serving her and submitting to her. The wife gives herself totally to her husband. What creates the structure is not a power imbalance but an ordering: when the two genuinely disagree and cannot reach unity, the husband carries the final responsibility before God for the decision. That responsibility is not a privilege; it is a weight. It means he is accountable before God for the direction of the household in a way the wife is not.
The command Paul gives to husbands is the most demanding instruction in the entire passage:
Ephesians 5:25–26
"Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself for her, that He might sanctify and cleanse her with the washing of water by the word."
Christ's love for the church involved giving Himself — His life, His will, His preferences — entirely for its sake. He did not use His authority to serve Himself. He used it to serve, protect and bring the church to its full potential. That is the model Paul sets before every husband. The bar is not "lead your household." The bar is "love your wife the way Christ loved the church." No husband has yet arrived at that standard.
This is the husband's own submission, and it rests on direct scriptural instruction rather than being inferred or said in passing. Verse 21 commands both partners, husband included, to submit "to one another in the fear of God"; verses 25 to 28 then set out the husband's particular share of it. His submission is not a lesser thing than his wife's but a costlier one. Where she yields to his leadership, he lays down his life for her, as Christ did for the church. Any man who claims Scripture asks submission only of the wife has read verse 22 and stopped before he reached verse 21 above it and verse 25 below it. The text grants him no such exemption.
The source material is clear on what this is not: headship is not dictatorship. It is not the husband saying "I have authority, you will do what I say." It is servant leadership — the husband placing himself at the service of his wife and family's flourishing, making decisions with her welfare as the primary consideration rather than his own preferences. A husband who uses the language of headship to demand compliance has not understood what he has been given. He has been given responsibility, not a throne.
Ephesians 5:28-29 reinforces this from a different angle:
Ephesians 5:28–29
"So husbands ought to love their own wives as their own bodies; he who loves his wife loves himself. For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as the Lord does the church."
The husband is to nourish and cherish his wife as he does his own body — with the same attentiveness, care and protectiveness he naturally gives to himself. He is to speak words over her that build her up, not tear her down. The source material draws on the word rhema in verse 26 — Christ sanctified the church through spoken words. Husbands hold that same power toward their wives. Words spoken regularly over a spouse shape who they become.
Going Deeper
First Peter 3:7 gives husbands a practical test: "Husbands, likewise, dwell with them with understanding, giving honor to the wife, as to the weaker vessel, and as being heirs together of the grace of life, that your prayers may not be hindered." Peter does not say "weaker in worth" or "weaker in spiritual standing." He says "weaker vessel" — a different kind of strength for a different purpose, the way a fine vessel differs from a utility one. And he immediately follows it with "heirs together of the grace of life" — equal inheritors of everything God provides. The instruction to honour is connected to this equality. A husband who dishonours his wife will have his prayers hindered. That is not a minor consequence. It means the quality of how he treats his wife directly affects his access to God.
Paul's direct instruction to wives is the verse most often quoted from this passage, and the one most often misused. It must be stated plainly rather than stepped around:
Ephesians 5:22–24
"Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord. For the husband is head of the wife, as also Christ is head of the church; and He is the Savior of the body. Therefore, just as the church is subject to Christ, so let the wives be to their own husbands in everything."
This text is in Scripture and it is binding. It is not to be softened to suit the mood of the age, and it is not to be weaponised by a husband to enforce compliance. Two things hold it in its proper frame. First, it stands under verse 21: the wife's submission is one expression of the mutual submission Paul has already commanded of both partners, not a separate hierarchy bolted on top. Second, it is immediately surrounded by the far weightier charge to the husband in verses 25 to 28. It is always easier to quote a wife's submission than to walk a husband's sacrificial love, yet the same passage demands both, and the harder walk is the husband's. The wife yields to her husband's leadership as the church yields to Christ; the measure of that leadership is set not by the husband's will but by Christ's self-giving.
Paul then names what this submission looks like day to day:
Ephesians 5:33
"…and let the wife see that she respects her husband."
The source material for this lesson makes the observation that a man's primary need in marriage is respect — even more than love. A man who feels respected by his wife is motivated, confident and capable of the servant leadership his role requires. A man who feels consistently disrespected — criticised, undermined, managed or dismissed — is diminished in exactly the capacity the marriage needs him to operate in.
What does respect actually look like? The source material addresses this directly. It is not flattery or performance. It is communicating, through words and actions, that you trust his leadership, value his contribution and believe in his capacity. Nagging — even when the underlying concern is legitimate — communicates the opposite. It says: I do not trust you to handle this. I do not respect your judgement. The source material suggests that women who go to God in prayer about their husband's shortcomings — rather than directly managing him — find that God is far more effective than any amount of direct pressure. Prayer respects both the husband and God's authority in the marriage.
Submission is not obedience in every circumstance. The source material is explicit: submission and obedience are not synonyms. A wife can decline to comply with an ungodly command — one that requires her to disobey God — while remaining genuinely submitted in spirit, attitude and respect. The distinction matters: submission is a posture of the heart, not absolute compliance to every directive.
Caution
Two abuses of this teaching appear most frequently and do the most damage. The first is the husband who uses "headship" as a justification for control, selfishness or dominance. That is not headship — it is dictatorship, and it contradicts everything Ephesians 5:25 actually requires. The second is the wife who uses "equality" as a justification for refusing any form of ordered partnership — treating every expression of her husband's leadership as an insult to her dignity. Both misunderstandings miss the point. The goal is not a power balance; it is a household that functions as a living picture of Christ and the church, in which both partners give themselves fully to each other and to God.
Practical Tip
For husbands: this week, identify one specific way you can serve your wife that costs you something — time, preference, comfort — and do it without being asked and without mentioning it afterward. Servant leadership is practised in small, unannounced acts before it becomes the posture of a whole marriage. For wives: this week, identify one specific thing your husband does well or has contributed to the family and tell him directly — not in a complimentary performance but in a genuine statement of respect. Notice the effect on him and on the atmosphere of your home.
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| Question | My Answer | Group Discussion Notes |
|---|---|---|
| Read Ephesians 5:21. Paul says to submit to one another before addressing either the husband's or wife's specific role. Why do you think that starting point matters? What would change if it were not there? | ||
| Read Ephesians 5:25-26. Paul says husbands are to love their wives as Christ loved the church — self-giving, sanctifying, building up through words. In honest terms, how demanding is that standard? What would it actually require of a husband? | ||
| Read Ephesians 5:33. Paul's command to wives is to respect their husbands. The lesson says a man's deepest need is respect, not just love. Do you agree? And what does genuine respect — not flattery or performance — actually look like in practice? | ||
| Read 1 Peter 3:7. Peter says a husband who dishonours his wife will have his prayers hindered. What does that tell you about the connection between how a husband leads at home and how he connects with God? | ||
| The lesson says submission and obedience are not synonyms — a wife can maintain a posture of respect while declining an ungodly instruction. What is the difference between submission as a heart posture and simple compliance? Why does that distinction matter? |
Open questions for any level of experience. No right or wrong answers.
Understanding biblical roles is one thing; beginning to live them is another. These applications are specific and immediate.
| Context | How I Apply This |
|---|---|
| For husbands | Ephesians 5:25 sets the bar: love your wife as Christ loved the church. This week, identify one specific area where you are currently prioritising your own comfort, preferences or agenda over your wife's flourishing. Not a dramatic failure — a small, ordinary one. Then make one deliberate change in that area this week. Servant leadership is built from small, repeated, unchosen acts of preference for your spouse over yourself. Begin there. |
| For wives | Ephesians 5:33 says respect your husband. The source material suggests the most effective thing a wife can do for her husband is to bring her concerns about him to God rather than managing him directly. This week, if there is something about your husband's leadership or behaviour that you have been trying to change through direct pressure or repeated comment, try a different approach: bring it to God specifically and honestly in prayer for one week. Observe what happens — in him, in you and in the marriage. |
| In community and conversation | The way people talk about their spouses in public — even in gentle, humorous ways — communicates either respect or its absence. This week, pay attention to how you speak about your spouse to others, and how others speak about their spouses around you. Does your language build up or quietly undermine? Does it honour the covenant you made? If you are single, pay attention to the marriage culture of your community: what does the way people speak about their spouses reveal about what is actually happening at home? |
Tap each card to reveal the answer.
What governing principle does Paul establish before addressing husband and wife roles?
Ephesians 5:21
"…submitting to one another in the fear of God."
Ephesians 5:21. Mutual submission is the foundation. Both partners submit to each other and to God's Word before specific role distinctions are addressed.
What is the standard Paul sets for the husband's love?
Ephesians 5:25
"Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself for her."
Ephesians 5:25. Self-giving, sacrificial, servant love. Not authority over his wife but service to her — at cost to himself.
What does 1 Peter 3:7 say happens when a husband dishonours his wife?
1 Peter 3:7
His prayers are hindered. Honouring his wife as a fellow heir of the grace of life is not optional — it directly affects his own connection with God in prayer.
What is the wife's primary command in Ephesians 5:33, and why does it matter?
Ephesians 5:33
Respect her husband. A man's deepest need is respect — feeling trusted, valued as a leader, and believed in by his wife. Respect enables the servant leadership the role requires; its absence diminishes him in the capacity the marriage needs him in.
What is the difference between submission and obedience?
Submission is a posture of the heart — trust, respect, willing partnership with your husband's leadership. Obedience is compliance with specific instructions. A wife can maintain genuine submission while declining to comply with an ungodly command. They are not the same thing.
What are the two abuses of this teaching identified in the Caution box?
1. The husband who uses "headship" to justify control, selfishness or dominance — that is dictatorship, not servant leadership. 2. The wife who uses "equality" to refuse all ordered partnership — treating every expression of her husband's leadership as an affront. Both miss what Ephesians 5 actually describes.