Bible Pointers on Marriage
A nine-lesson guide for The Well Shrewsbury
All scripture quotations are from the New King James Version (NKJV) unless otherwise indicated.
Please begin by answering this question honestly in your own words.
How do you currently distinguish between a feeling that comes from God and a feeling that comes from your own desires, emotions or what the world around you is telling you? Is there a difference in how they feel, or is that distinction difficult to make?
Titus 2:4
"…that they admonish the young women to love their husbands, to love their children."
Paul says older women should teach younger women to love their husbands. That word "teach" is the key. If love were simply an emotion that struck you, you could not be taught it. The fact that it can be taught tells you something important about its nature.
The central idea of this lesson
God does not hide His will from people who genuinely want it. Discerning whether someone is right for you is not primarily about the strength of your feeling for them. It is about the nature of what you are feeling, the direction both of you are heading, and whether God is at the centre of what is developing between you.
The most important thing this lesson can do is correct a fundamental misunderstanding that causes enormous damage in Christian relationships. The world teaches that love is an emotion — an involuntary feeling that strikes you, that you fall into and fall out of, that cannot be controlled or directed. That picture of love is not what the Bible describes. And confusing the two leads to some of the most damaging decisions people make about marriage.
Paul says in Titus 2:4 that older women should teach younger women to love their husbands. You cannot teach someone to have an emotion they do not feel. But you can teach someone to make a decision and to act on it — and over time, the decision and the action produce and sustain genuine love. This is what Paul means. God's kind of love is not an emotion that precedes commitment; it is a decision that produces and sustains the emotion.
Note
There are four Greek words commonly translated as "love" in English. The one Paul uses most often for love in marriage is agape — the word for the unconditional, self-giving love that God Himself shows. It is never described in Scripture as something that happens to you. It is always described as something you choose and do. The world's concept of falling in love corresponds more closely to eros (sexual attraction) or phileo (warm emotional affection) — both of which are real and good in their place, but neither of which is a sufficient foundation for a covenant marriage. Agape is what covenant marriage is built on, and it is a decision of the will that can be made regardless of how you feel on any given day.
The source material for this lesson is direct about this: what the world calls "falling in love" is almost always what Scripture would call lust — an emotional and physical attraction that is self-centred, driven by what the other person gives you, and entirely dependent on the conditions of the moment. It is real in the sense that it is genuinely felt; but it is not a reliable indicator of whether God has designed you and another person to be together for life.
God's kind of love, by contrast, is other-centred. Matthew 7:12 — the Golden Rule — is one of the clearest descriptions of it: do to others what you would want done to you. That principle, applied to marriage, produces a relationship where each partner is primarily focused on the welfare and flourishing of the other rather than on what they are receiving. This is not a romantic notion. It is a daily decision that requires death to self.
Matthew 7:12
"Therefore, whatever you want men to do to you, do also to them, for this is the Law and the Prophets."
Going Deeper
Galatians 5:22-23 lists love as the first fruit of the Spirit: "But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, longsuffering, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control." Love in God's economy is a fruit — something produced by the Spirit of God in a person who is walking with Him, not an emotion generated by chemistry between two people. This is why the quality of a person's relationship with God is a better predictor of their capacity for lasting love in marriage than the intensity of their feelings for you on the day you meet them. A person in whom the Spirit is producing genuine love is a person capable of covenant. A person whose attractiveness to you is primarily based on how they make you feel is an unknown quantity.
The source material for this lesson describes how Andrew Wommack's relationship with his wife Jamie developed — not through romantic pursuit but through a growing spiritual unity that preceded any formal recognition. Several markers emerged that were consistent with God's hand being in it rather than simply human chemistry.
Spiritual unity precedes emotional attachment. In the Wommack account, he and Jamie were spiritually in step before either of them had romantic feelings. Others noticed the quality of their agreement in prayer and conversation before they did. When God is at the centre of what is developing, the spiritual dimension tends to be real before the emotional one becomes prominent. If the primary pull toward someone is physical or emotional, and the spiritual dimension is undeveloped or absent, that is worth paying attention to.
The same direction. A God-directed relationship involves two people who are both heading toward God, not toward each other. When they meet, they discover they are going the same way. Shared faith is not enough — shared direction is what matters. Two people who both call themselves Christians but whose actual priorities, values and orientation toward God differ significantly will discover those differences after the romantic intensity has faded.
Peace, not pressure. God's leading in Scripture is consistently associated with peace. Colossians 3:15 (NKJV) says: "And let the peace of God rule in your hearts." Decisions made under emotional pressure, social urgency or fear of missing out rarely have God at their root. A relationship that can survive slowing down and praying honestly — where both people are at peace with the pace and with seeking God before each other — is on a more reliable foundation than one driven by intensity and urgency.
The counsel of trusted community. God rarely directs major life decisions entirely in isolation. Proverbs 11:14 (NKJV) says: "In the multitude of counsellors there is safety." Trusted church leaders, mature Christians who know you well, and your own family of faith are part of how God confirms direction. A relationship that your trusted community consistently raises concerns about, or that requires you to withdraw from your community to pursue it, deserves careful attention.
Caution
This lesson does not settle every question about how discernment works in practice, and it is not a replacement for pastoral conversation with your church leaders about a specific relationship. Every situation has particulars that a general lesson cannot address. What this lesson is designed to do is correct the dominant framework most people bring to the question — the emotional-attraction framework that the world has provided — and replace it with a more reliable one rooted in Scripture. If you are in a specific relationship and seeking discernment, bring it honestly to God, to trusted leaders and to the people in your community who know you best. That combination is more reliable than any individual's feelings alone.
Practical Tip
If you are currently interested in someone or in a relationship you are trying to evaluate, ask three honest questions this week. First: is the primary pull I feel toward this person spiritual, or is it primarily physical and emotional? Second: are we heading in the same direction toward God, or are we heading toward each other first and hoping God will be involved later? Third: do the trusted people in my life who know me well affirm what is developing here, or are there consistent reservations I am finding reasons to dismiss? The answers to those three questions, brought honestly to God in prayer, will tell you more than the intensity of your feelings.
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| Question | My Answer | Group Discussion Notes |
|---|---|---|
| Read Titus 2:4. Paul says love for a husband can be taught. What does that tell you about the nature of love — is it primarily an emotion, a decision or something else? And why does that matter for how you approach a relationship? | ||
| Read Galatians 5:22-23. Love is listed as the first fruit of the Spirit — something the Spirit produces in a person walking with God. How does that change the way you evaluate a potential partner? What would you be looking for? | ||
| The lesson describes four practical markers of a God-directed relationship: spiritual unity, same direction, peace not pressure, and community counsel. Which of these four do you think is most commonly overlooked, and why? | ||
| Read Colossians 3:15. God's leading is associated with peace. Think of a significant decision you made in the past. Was there peace or pressure in how it came about? What did the outcome reveal about the source of that decision? | ||
| The lesson says spiritual unity tends to precede emotional attachment in a God-directed relationship. What does that mean in practice for how you engage with people of the opposite sex in community and friendship? |
Open questions for any level of experience. No right or wrong answers.
Discernment is not a single moment of clarity. It develops through honesty with God, with trusted people and with yourself. These applications work in each of those directions.
| Context | How I Apply This |
|---|---|
| In your relationship with God | Discernment about a specific person begins with honesty about your own motives. This week, bring the question of relationships before God in prayer and ask Him to show you where your desires are genuinely aligned with His will and where they are driven by loneliness, pressure or self-centredness. You may not receive a dramatic answer. But the habit of bringing these questions to God honestly — rather than making decisions and asking for His blessing afterward — is the beginning of discernment. |
| In how you engage in community | The Wommack account shows that a God-directed relationship developed through genuine spiritual community — prayer, fellowship and shared pursuit of God — before any romantic dimension was acknowledged. This week, invest in your church community not as a strategy for meeting someone, but as genuine discipleship. The quality of your participation in the body of Christ is both a preparation for marriage and a context in which God-directed relationships naturally develop. |
| In seeking counsel | If you are in a relationship or considering one, identify one or two trusted, mature Christians in your life whose counsel you respect — people who know you well and who will be honest rather than just affirming. Bring the relationship to them honestly this week. Not for a verdict, but for perspective. Listen carefully to what they say, including what they do not say. Community counsel is one of the primary ways God confirms or redirects. |
Tap each card to reveal the answer.
What does Titus 2:4 reveal about the nature of love in marriage?
Titus 2:4
"…that they admonish the young women to love their husbands."
Titus 2:4. Love can be taught — which means it is a decision of the will, not primarily an emotion that strikes you involuntarily.
What are the four Greek words for love, and which is the foundation of covenant marriage?
Eros (physical), storge (family bond), phileo (warm affection), agape (unconditional self-giving love). Agape — God's kind of love — is the foundation of covenant marriage. It is a chosen decision, not a feeling that arrives uninvited.
What does Galatians 5:22 say love is — and what does that mean for evaluating a potential spouse?
Galatians 5:22
Love is the first fruit of the Spirit. It is produced by the Spirit in a person walking with God. Evaluate a potential spouse not primarily by how they make you feel, but by whether the Spirit is producing genuine love in their life.
What are the four practical markers of a God-directed relationship?
1. Spiritual unity precedes emotional attachment. 2. Both heading the same direction toward God. 3. Peace, not urgency or pressure. 4. Consistent affirmation from trusted community — not consistent unexplained reservations.
What does Colossians 3:15 say should rule in our hearts?
Colossians 3:15
"And let the peace of God rule in your hearts."
Colossians 3:15. Peace, not pressure, is the marker of God's leading. Decisions driven by urgency, fear or social pressure deserve extra scrutiny.
What does Matthew 7:12 say is the governing principle of God's kind of love?
Matthew 7:12
"Whatever you want men to do to you, do also to them."
Matthew 7:12. God's love is other-centred. In marriage, this means primarily focusing on the welfare of your spouse rather than on what you receive from them.